"If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me."
-Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Teams. Teamwork. Gotta have it. We must be able to work TOGETHER. We hear it all the time. But when it gets down to the basics of making that possible, few things wear away at the fabric of a true team like the gossip that can flow within the walls of where we spend most of our waking hours. How can gossip be such a culprit? What exactly is it anyway? And how can such a common occurrence cause such damage?

Gossip can be defined as “any talk about another that is without the intention of good will, may have questionable accuracy, and that you would not say to that person directly or want them to hear about.”1

Many currently popular TV and radio programs make character assassination their main draw. I wondered why I used to find them entertaining until I ran across this quote:

“Gossip seems to satisfy a deep-seated psychological need for self-esteem. What better way to pump up our image than by using negative talk to prove that we are clever and knowledgeable and otherwise superior to lesser mortals? And if saying it provides perverse pleasure, so does listening to it – unless, of course, it’s about us. Thus the onslaught of recycled rumors, catty appraisals, backhanded compliments and sarcastic asides. They all trip off the tongue so effortlessly. If not for them, one wonders, how would we ever make interesting conversation?” 2 -Richard Greenberg

OUCH. Was this describing me? Does this describe people I know? Maybe it’s time for another direction. The new bottom line would be: If I wouldn’t say the same thing if that person were in the room – STOP. Ask myself – what is my motive for sharing this?

Why do people gossip anyway?
Well, gossip has its strong points:

It can make us feel safe – the problem people are “out there”, and we are separate from them.
Sharing secrets is a form of bonding. Agreeing with a rumor makes us feel closer. We have an unspoken “pact” – we are right, they are wrong; we are good, they are bad; we are normal, they are not.
We feel part of the inner circle – it makes us feel like we are in the information loop.

But, be smart. A person who gossips may be fun to listen to, but can’t be trusted enough to build genuine, personal relationships. So, if you are a known gossip, people will not trust you. This is how gossip undermines and weakens teamwork:

Gossip progressively erodes trust by encouraging negative speculation about others, making relationship building difficult.
Gossip prevents openness. It causes members to withdraw or act superficial when in groups in order to protect their individual interests, producing a “pseudo-community” rather than a true team.
Gossip takes time and attention away from performing productive tasks.

So what do you do if you’d like to choose not to focus on your differences with others..?

Question anyone who comes to you with gossip. Offer to go with them to the source to clear things up and open the lines of communication.
Refuse to participate. Show support for the one who is not present.
Search for a person on your team who you think sees life differently from you. Discuss your concerns and see if you can partner together to model a new level of understanding and trust through your differences.
If you are the target of the rumor – check it out ASAP, respectfully and openly.

If you have been the transmitter of gossip, and the victim confronts you, remember STARS. Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology…

“If the victim does not perceive the party who is apologizing as remorseful, the apology may have little meaning. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of “I’m sorry you feel that way” knows the difference between sincere regret and an attempt to avoid responsibility for bad behavior. Offering simply an “I’m sorry for your reaction to my behavior” removes the blame from the guilty party and places it on the victim. For the apologizer, this feels much nicer than genuine remorse. Unfortunately, it leaves the offended party feeling more offended than ever – and rightly so." -Martha Beck
Ineffective expression of remorse – X“I’m sorry you felt hurt.”
Effective expression of remorse – “I’m sorry I hurt you.” 3

You will both feel a wave of relief. Kindness does that.

Just as health is more than the absence of sickness, teamwork is more than the absence of confusion and tension. It is the constant presence of positive forces – good will, respect, understanding, generosity and courage.

You can be a strong influence on a healthy functioning team. If gossip is the norm at your store, create a new normal. Take the high road. If people withdraw from you because of your new attitude, take it as a compliment. The tide will turn eventually, because of your leadership.

Written by Peggy Duszynski, Cracker Barrel EAP Resource Coordinator
May, 2005

1 Retire From Gossip By Sharon Demarte, M.A., www.wellnet.com

2 Gossip in the Workplace. By Richard Greenberg. www.aish.com

3 Always Apologize. Always Explain. By Martha Beck, Ph.D., September, 2004

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