Surviving Divorce
When couples first exchange their marriage vows, they always think their marriage will last. We have all heard about the odds of one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, but no one likes to think their marriage will be one of the ones that will end. Unfortunately, time can bring about many changes within a relationship. After being married to the same person for a few years, one mate may have a hard time remembering what it was that first attracted them to their spouse. Sometimes, the traits about a person that were once so endearing have now become very annoying and a source of disagreement.
When couples do make the decision to end the marriage, they should reach this conclusion after lengthy discussion and conversation, and hopefully, after working through several issues with a marriage counselor or family mediator. Special consideration should be given if children are involved. Children often feel lost in the shuffle, as the adults are dealing with their own emotions, and may find they are focusing on their needs and not addressing the children's needs.
Ideally, children will be allowed to see the non-custodial parent and can continue a healthy, supportive relationship with that parent. Parents who pay child support willingly and faithfully have a good chance of maintaining a positive relationship with their children. The child who has a parent who accepts this responsibility knows they have a parent who loves them and has their best interest at heart. No matter how bitter and angry things may have become between the adults, it is best if they can make an agreement not to be critical about each other in front of the children. Hearing their mom or dad talk negatively about the other parent makes both parents look bad. Don't provide opportunities for your child to think poorly about you and your character. Keep negative talk between adults.
After a divorce, people often have to work on issues of self-esteem. Many people experience guilt or shame for having a failed marriage, but need to realize they may have had to end the marriage to regain some sense of whom they really are. Many people report feeling controlled in a marriage, and find that once they are single, they can develop the interests that they have kept inside for a long time.
Financial problems plague many women following a divorce, and many find they need additional skills to acquire better paying jobs. With the loss of income in a two-income family, many single parent homes are no longer able to maintain the lifestyle they did when they were married. Some women take on a part-time jobs in addition to their regular full-time job. The only salvation for many is knowing that this is not forever.
Two out of three divorced persons will remarry within two years of getting a divorce. Good advice is remembering to use caution before entering a new relationship. Most counselors will suggest waiting at least six months to a year before beginning a serious relationship. This allows the newly single person to focus on who they are, and what they want to achieve.
Surviving a divorce requires finding the inner strength to build a new life. Children may require additional attention and unconditional love during this time. Give it willingly and freely. Surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive. Allow yourself a little pampering such as a relaxing bath, write your feelings in a journal, join an exercise group, or find an activity that will make you feel better. Allow yourself time to grieve over your loss.
Information
provided by Summit Medical Center Psychiatric Program
Hermitage, TN
December, 1998
Reading Suggestions
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee
For further information, please link to:
Divorce Helpline Tools to Keep You Out of Court
Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support, Family Law
