Television portrays happy, funny, loving families that are free from divorce, free from violence and absent of the many problems facing most families in America today. The Cosby Show portrays two loving parents who rarely speak a cross word to each other or their children, and juggle two careers, children and childcare with NO PROBLEMS. Although 7th Heaven tackles some "real-life issues" and conflict, these "problems" are always resolved seamlessly with no complications and have a "happily-ever-after" ending. Everybody Loves Raymond pokes fun at "the dysfunctional family". The lighter/humorous side is shown, and for that thirty-minute episode we can forget the uglier side that people experience in dysfunctional families.

Leaving behind TV land, we find a much more stark reality. In 2002 Child Protective Services (CPS) agencies in the United States found that 896,000 children were victims of child abuse or neglect.1 CPS defines child abuse as "any mistreatment or neglect of a child that results in non-accidental harm or injury and which cannot be reasonably explained." Child abuse can include physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect.

Most parents tell you that they would never intentionally harm their children. But in fact, CPS professionals tell us that parents who abuse their children often have difficulty coping with life stressors and express their frustrations in an abusive manner towards their children.2 For example, a single parent may find herself struggling to balance job, children, and her own personal life. In her frustration with the situation, she uses abusive words or physical punishment that were more forceful than intended. A parent may find himself drinking more than he meant to. His attempts to discipline his child while intoxicated lead to hurtful words and physical marks that likely would not have occurred in a sober state of mind. A grandparent who was a victim of childhood physical abuse finds herself yelling at a grandchild when the last thing she would want to do is emotionally or physically abuse her grandchild. None of the parents in these examples planned to become child abusers. Each found themselves in a situation that was difficult to cope with and their child(ren) became the victims.

Children do not come into this world with instruction manuals. It is important to remember that parents have the responsibility to learn how to parent effectively. Parenting is a difficult job and parents are going to make mistakes along the way. However, if these mistakes possibly lead to abuse, then it is time to ask for help. In these situations, "asking for help" most often has to do with getting assistance in coping with other life-stressors that affect parenting relationships. These can include getting help with an addiction, working through issues of childhood abuse, getting help with an abusive spouse/partner, or attending parenting classes. Cracker Barrel's Employee Assistance Program is available to support parents in developing and having healthy relationships with their children.

Written by Glynn Dilbeck, MA, LPE, CEAP, Cracker Barrel EAP Counselor

1. http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cb/publications/cm02/summary.htm
2. http://www.preventchildabuse.com/

Brochures on this topic available for mailing from our office:

Parenting a Teenager
Parenting and Positive Discipline
Stress and Parenting
Successful Single Parenting
About Your Child's Emotional Health

To order, call 1-800-688-6330, or email us.

Book Suggestions:

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

This is a book published in 1988 by a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a professional therapist who had begun working with survivors. Her partner is also a survivor of abuse. The Courage to Heal is an explicit and difficult book to read, even for those who have not been victimized. It offers validation and encouragement for those seeking to explore their own issues around abuse. It is a book that deals with difficult topics: Remembering, Honoring What You Did to Survive, Intimacy, and Breaking the Silence are some of the chapter titles. There are also chapters dedicated to profiling several sexual abuse survivors. These cases are unique, but the familiar themes of shame, mixed emotions and shattered childhoods are present in the stories of all fifteen women who chose to share their stories. It is known that boys are routinely sexually abused, a fact to which the authors give a nod. But this book is dedicated to women survivors.

The Courage to Heal is a classic book for professional and layman alike to read in order to appreciate the complex and life-altering issues that abuse survivors experience. For those who are particularly fragile, and are victims themselves, it is best read while working with a very competent therapist around their sexual abuse issues.

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

For more reading about the abuse of boys and the specific issues related to their recovery, this book is a good choice.

Allies in Healing by Laura Davis

For those who are partners of abuse survivors, and those victimized who wish to work specifically on their relationship issues.

Reviews by-Janet McCutchen,MS, LPC, CEAP, LEAP, Cracker Barrel EAP Counselor

A Child Called "It" - One Child's Courage to Survive by Dave Pelzer

This is an inspirational story of a young boy's account of his ability to survive horrific abuse and neglect from his unstable, alcoholic mother. At times, it is painfully graphic in the way traumatic episodes are described. Through the years of struggle, the reader learns of Dave's personal resilience and well-honed coping skills in the face of tremendous adversity. He writes in a very casual and easy-to-read style. The reader will have to battle the sadness of the torturous abuse with the victim's unsinkable will to survive. Recovery and healing become a life-long journey. Finally, this is a message of hope for the reader that increased awareness, prevention and education are the most effective strategies in dealing with the trauma of child abuse.

Review by Bill Aldrich, LPC,CEAP, Manager of Cracker Barrel EAP Services

For further information, please link to:

Administration for Children and Families

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