RelationshipsWork

Good relationships don't just happen by accident. They do require a great deal of thought, work , action, and honesty. They require some honest evaluation of both parties in the relationship, looking at the positives and the negatives, and trying to determine the rewards, payoffs, and impact on each person involved. Committing to staying in a relationship or making it work sometimes proves more difficult for some people than others. The person may feel that they want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, but find themselves lacking the skills to actually make that happen.

One of the most difficult things that people in relationships must learn to do is to figure out how to get along with another person, day in and day out, day after day after day. Whether it is at work, in our family, with our children, with our spouses, or with friends and acquaintances, there are going to be major adjustments that must be made in order for everyone to feel accommodated and feel as if they are an important part of that relationship. It's easy to deal only with yourself, but when another person comes into the pictue, someone with a different background, experiences and expectations, then things may get to be a little tricky.

In the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" (1989), actor Billy Crystal is trying to make this point about relationships by explaining to actress, Meg Ryan, that there are basically two types of women: "High-maintenance" and "Low-maintenance." "High-maintenance women are those types who require enormous amounts of attention and money. They must be out and about all of the time, and must know where their significant other is at all times, and generally talk to them four or five times a day. "Low-maintenance" women are presented as the more appealing to men, because they are the type who appears a little more independent, and are able to entertain themselves and do not require the undying attention of their significant other. They are able to function alone or in a couple, yet do not place a lot demands upon their partner, thereby requiring less work by the man. Unfortunately, many women think they are "low-maintenance" but are honestly more the "high-maintenance" variety. An honest assessment of one's wants and needs can help someone determine which type of person they are in relationships.

One of the most important aspects of everyone's life is the need for intimacy, to feel close to people, to feel included, to feel understood and to feel wanted. The problem with intimacy is that it can be the moment of greatest happiness and well-being, yet can also be the cause of greatest pain and misgiving. The happiness and feelings of well-being can be the result of the freedom, ease and natural feelings that emerge when one is allowed to be who they really are; when they do not have to pretend and can enjoy the tender responses felt when being touched by someone you care about.

The need for intimacy has also been the least understood partly because of misgivings that are based on fear. This fear results from fear of having been foolish, fear of having done something that may be different, or fear of being rejected. People also often fear repeating the same mistakes they have made in the past. When there is a failed marriage in the past, it makes it even scarier for some couples to try again, and form a "blended family." This occurs when a parent with children marries another parent, who may also have children. It's never as easy as they made it appear on "The Brady Bunch", and in fact, no one usually talks about how hard it actually is being in a blended family. The problems occur because there has not been the opportunity to bond with your new spouse's children as infants and toddlers. If you come into this family when the children are older, there will be resentment, jealousy,and often sabotage.

Worrying about the pain that can be caused by relationships is often enough to cripple someone emotionally, and cause them to feel paralyzed and unable to move towards any type of relationship. Several attempts at making relationships work are often enough to move someone to therapy or group sessions to try to figure out why they keep repeating their pattern of behavior in relationships.

There are no hard and fast rules for making relationships work, but here are some tips that can help you communicate honestly with the other person in the relationship:

Be up-front about what your expectations are for the relationship. If you are looking for something long-term and your partner considers this one of many flings, you need to know this fact early on, so you can decide if this is acceptable to you.

Be honest about your feelings.

Don't expect perfection in anyone, especially in yourself.

Be sure your standards and expectations are realistic.

Cultivate many different types of relationships. Practicing effective communication skills among a variety of relationships can offer much needed feedback. If your friends can be honest, and tell you when you are "coming on too strong" or when you need "to learn to speak up more", you will find this information useful.

Talk with a licensed counselor when problems arise. Problems don't go away on their own, and any relationship worth having is worth working for!

Information provided by Summit Medical Center Psychiatric Program
Hermitage, TN
February, 2004

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				Making Relationships Work
				Making Relationships Work

		Good relationships don't just happen by accident. They do require a great deal of thought, work , action, and honesty. They require some honest evaluation of both parties in the relationship, looking at the positives and the negatives, and trying to determine the rewards, payoffs, and impact on each person involved. Committing to staying in a relationship or making it work sometimes proves more difficult for some people than others. The person may feel that they want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, but find themselves lacking the skills to actually make that happen. One of the most difficult things that people in relationships must learn to do is to figure out how to get along with another person, day in and day out, day after day after day. Whether it is at work, in our family, with our children, with our spouses, or with friends and acquaintances, there are going to be major adjustments that must be made in order for everyone to feel accommodated and feel as if they are an important part of that relationship. It's easy to deal only with yourself, but when another person comes into the pictue, someone with a different background, experiences and expectations, then things may get to be a little tricky. In the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" (1989), actor Billy Crystal is trying to make this point about relationships by explaining to actress, Meg Ryan, that there are basically two types of women: "High-maintenance" and "Low-maintenance." "High-maintenance women are those types who require enormous amounts of attention and money. They must be out and about all of the time, and must know where their significant other is at all times, and generally talk to them four or five times a day. "Low-maintenance" women are presented as the more appealing to men, because they are the type who appears a little more independent, and are able to entertain themselves and do not require the undying attention of their significant other. They are able to function alone or in a couple, yet do not place a lot demands upon their partner, thereby requiring less work by the man. Unfortunately, many women think they are "low-maintenance" but are honestly more the "high-maintenance" variety. An honest assessment of one's wants and needs can help someone determine which type of person they are in relationships. One of the most important aspects of everyone's life is the need for intimacy, to feel close to people, to feel included, to feel understood and to feel wanted. The problem with intimacy is that it can be the moment of greatest happiness and well-being, yet can also be the cause of greatest pain and misgiving. The happiness and feelings of well-being can be the result of the freedom, ease and natural feelings that emerge when one is allowed to be who they really are; when they do not have to pretend and can enjoy the tender responses felt when being touched by someone you care about. The need for intimacy has also been the least understood partly because of misgivings that are based on fear. This fear results from fear of having been foolish, fear of having done something that may be different, or fear of being rejected. People also often fear repeating the same mistakes they have made in the past. When there is a failed marriage in the past, it makes it even scarier for some couples to try again, and form a "blended family." This occurs when a parent with children marries another parent, who may also have children. It's never as easy as they made it appear on "The Brady Bunch", and in fact, no one usually talks about how hard it actually is being in a blended family. The problems occur because there has not been the opportunity to bond with your new spouse's children as infants and toddlers. If you come into this family when the children are older, there will be resentment, jealousy,and often sabotage. Worrying about the pain that can be caused by relationships is often enough to cripple someone emotionally, and cause them to feel paralyzed and unable to move towards any type of relationship. Several attempts at making relationships work are often enough to move someone to therapy or group sessions to try to figure out why they keep repeating their pattern of behavior in relationships. There are no hard and fast rules for making relationships work, but here are some tips that can help you communicate honestly with the other person in the relationship: Be up-front about what your expectations are for the relationship. If you are looking for something long-term and your partner considers this one of many flings, you need to know this fact early on, so you can decide if this is acceptable to you. Be honest about your feelings. Don't expect perfection in anyone, especially in yourself. Be sure your standards and expectations are realistic. Cultivate many different types of relationships. Practicing effective communication skills among a variety of relationships can offer much needed feedback. If your friends can be honest, and tell you when you are "coming on too strong" or when you need "to learn to speak up more", you will find this information useful. Talk with a licensed counselor when problems arise. Problems don't go away on their own, and any relationship worth having is worth working for! Information provided by Summit Medical Center Psychiatric Program Hermitage, TN February, 2004 Link to next article Relationships and Communication Back to Apply to You HOME