Our interpersonal relationships affect everything that we do. Each of us experiences a variety of relationships on a daily basis. The relationship may be with our spouse or significant other, our children, our co-workers, friends, casual acquaintances, or with strangers. There are particular ways that we interact with each situation, and the results of the interactions determine the quality of the relationship.

When the primary relationships in our lives are going well, we tend to translate that positive feeling to other areas of our lives. If we feel loved and supported at home, we find that we are confident in the workplace, or are able to tackle tasks that we may have once found to be intimidating. Our primary relationships help us to define who we are, and give us our boundaries for how we interact with others in our lives.

One of the more important parts of any relationship is the level of communication. When there is a problem in the relationship, one person may state, "You never listen to me." Feeling as if your thoughts and feelings matter to the person you love the most is one of the more powerful tools for forging a strong bond in a relationship.

Communication can do this by allowing one person to simply convey information to another person. It is, however, more than the words we use. In fact, communication is considered to be: 7% the words we use, 20% the tone of the voice, and 73% body language. It's not only the words we say, but the way we say it and the way we look or behave when we say it. This helps to bring home the point that we don't have to all be eloquent speakers to be effective ones.

Communication is about owning your feelings and realizing that you have a right to express them and make your wishes known. What you do not have a right to do is harm or intimidate another in order to get your own way.

Couples often talk about the fact that they don't know what their partner wants. The problem comes when you realize that you cannot read another person's mind. If someone does not clearly tell you what they are thinking, you have to guess what they really mean. There are basically three types of communication styles: passive, aggressive, and assertive. We may find that we use all of these styles in different ways in different relationships. The most effective way to communicate is to adopt the assertive communication style as our primary mode of communicating and discovering the satisfaction that comes with mutual respect.

People often use aggressive or passive styles and then wonder why they are having trouble in their relationships. The reason may be that these communication styles leave someone feeling as if their rights have been violated or that they've been "stepped on."

The passive form of communication is the style used by someone who denies their own rights or feelings. They are taught that they "should not make waves" or cause problems in a relationship. They tend to not speak unless they are spoken to, and therefore, do not convey their feelings as they are experiencing them.

This can relate to personal, as well as, professional or casual relationships. The passive person will not speak up at work if they are unfairly given extra work while co-workers do not have to work as hard. They will not return a defective item to the store because they don't want to make a scene or ask for something they may not feel they are owed. They will not talk to their mate about certain issues because it might cause a problem, particularly anger, to surface. They prefer to remain silent , and convince themselves that everything is "OK," rather than face their concerns.

The aggressive person is the opposite of the passive person. They feel they always have a right to be heard. They make their feelings known loud and clear. They use loud voices, intimidation, threats or violence to get their way in a relationship. The aggressive person feels they have a right to be heard, even if it means denying someone else their rights. They may intimidate their co-workers into doing extra work, they may intimidate their children, spouse, or a clerk in a store in order to get their way. They usually feel justified in such "strong arm"tactics because they truly believe they have a right to treat others this way. They often operate out of a fear of not being heard, noticed, listened to or believed, so they talk the loudest and fastest to get their point across.

As stated earlier, the most appropriate way to communicate is in the assertive style of communication. This is when you acknowledge your own feelings, thoughts, wishes and make them known without denying someone else their rights. This usually involves some practice, as many of us are not experienced with making "I" statements. It is easier to blame someone else when things are going wrong in a relationship, but the assertive person takes responsibility for their feelings and uses "I" statements to eliminate any blaming. They don't call names, but talk about how they feel in relation to someone's behavior. When someone says, "I feel angry when you come home late," they are taking responsibility for their emotions. They want to talk about the other person's behavior, without blaming or causing the other person to become defensive. They have admitted how they are feeling, and taken responsibility for those feelings.

Communication styles also involve body language. The passive person tries to blend into the background. They may lean against a wall during conversation, slump over, and basically try to hide. The aggressive person will stomp around the room, stand up and loom over those in the conversation, or walk so fast that people cannot keep up with them. The assertive person is comfortable in their body, and stands tall and proudly. They display confidence and others are given the impression that it is OK to approach the confident, assertive person and talk with them.

Effective communication skills can be learned. They require practice and are the building blocks for improving all types of relationships. When people feel they can express their feelings openly, and know they will be heard, they feel successful with their communication skills. Remembering that no one is a "mind reader" helps us to understand that sometimes we must explain every detail of what we are thinking. We cannot expect people to respond to our requests if they do not know what they are. We cannot hope for people to change over to "our way of thinking" if they do not know what we are thinking.

Using assertive communication skills is one of the best ways to improve any type of relationship. Encounters are considered to be "win-win" when both parties feel as if their rights have been respected, and their feelings have been heard and understood.

Information provided by Summit Medical Center Psychiatric Program
Hermitage, TN
November, 1998

Reading Suggestions:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

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