How would you respond to this situation?

You “pet-sit” for a friend when she is out of town on business. You’ve kept her dog twice in the past month. You are getting annoyed at the frequency of her requests. Your friend asks you to keep the dog for another week. Your response:

A. I can’t believe you keep asking me to keep that dog!
B. I’d love to keep him.
C. I’m noticing that you are asking me to pet-sit more often. I’m happy to help, but I can’t keep him more than once a month.

The first response is aggressive. You are expressing your feelings, but are doing so in a way that could cause a defensive response from your friend. Response “B” is passive. You don’t want to keep the dog, but you don’t want to “upset” your friend. The assertive response is C. It’s honest, straightforward and is clear about what you are willing to do.

Assertiveness is expressing yourself in a way that protects your rights without violating the rights of others. Being open, honest, and direct keeps the lines of communication open. It can help you feel better about yourself and the quality of your relationships with others.

You have the right to:
Your values, emotions and opinions.
Express yourself, including saying no.
Change your mind or make mistakes and be responsible for them.
Like yourself even though you’re not perfect.

Some people don’t believe they have these rights, so they rarely express their opinions. This often leads to resentment or hurt feelings. Other people believe their rights matter more than the rights of others and are often pushy, rude, or aggressive.

How can I become more assertive?

Be specific about your feelings, wants and needs. Use statements like:
I want to…
I want you to…
Would you….?
I liked it when you….


Explain what you mean. Be as specific as possible about what you think and feel.

* Use “I” statements. Instead of telling someone they’re wrong, try “I have a different opinion” or “ I feel upset because…”. These statements give more information and they are clearly YOUR own statements about the matter at hand.

* Ask for feedback. Ask if you are being clear. Seek further information from others. This shows that you are concerned about your rights as well as the rights of others.

* Don’t forget about body language. Much of our communication is non-verbal. Remember that things like eye contact, tone of voice, gestures and facial expressions help convey your message and influence how others receive it.

* Practice, Practice, Practice. Trying on new behaviors will feel uncomfortable at first. All new behaviors take time and effort to become habits. Don’t give up.

Recommended Reading:
Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Robert E. Alberti.


For more information or to talk to a counselor directly about assertiveness or other communication skills, call EAP directly at 1-800-688-6330. Trained counselors are available around the clock.

Contact the EAP Helpline at 1-800-688-6330 for confidential assistance.

Written by Stephanie Dean, LPC-MHSP CEAP, Cracker Barrel EAP Counselor
June , 2006

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