The Different Styles of Anger

In the workplace, shopping in a retail store or in the midst of a family conflict, one may encounter a variety of anger styles. These styles range from the person who is loud and intimidating to the person who quietly shuts down and no longer participates in the conversation. Some people refuse to accept any responsibility for their actions; others do not understand why people seem to get upset with them in the first place.

We all can picture people we know who exhibit these or other styles of anger. Often, we allow ourselves to be bullied by anger, giving in to avoid additional conflict. Fortunately, there are effective ways to diffuse another person's anger based on his or her anger style.

What to do and What to Avoid

While we cannot completely control how another person will respond to the complex emotion of anger, we can change the way we react while dealing with an angry person. Since these situations can be made worse, here is a list of things to avoid:

Do not:

• Automatically give advice
• Pretend to understand
• Respond with a cliché
• Sound condescending
• Jump to conclusions

Once someone has had a chance to vent, he or she usually is more willing to engage in a productive dialogue. Use the following to get to this more productive stage:

Do:

• Allow some time before you respond
• Use short, direct responses
• Tailor your response specifically to that person
• Use an even tone of voice
• Try to genuinely understand the person's needs

While a display of empathy is important, do not give out a potentially insincere, "I know how you feel" response. Try to think of a similar experience that you have had and relate it in a way that lets the person know you really do understand. Listening with care and making an effort to understand the unique experience can help form a bond with the upset individual.

The Spin Doctor

Political campaigns utilize professional spin doctors who respond to criticism in a timely and productive manner. Try using this technique when dealing with an individual who already is irate. If you do not choose words carefully, you inadvertently may elicit a defensive response; this goes against the goal of diffusing or resolving the difficult situation.

Compare and contrast the following statements. Notice how the phrasing can have a significant effect on how the angry person might respond. Put yourself in his or her position, and imagine how you might respond if you were experiencing the anger:

Say: "I can tell you have had it." Avoid: "Do not feel that way."

Say: "I can tell you are having a hard time with that." Avoid: "You are wrong. It will not work."

Say: "I can tell you are disappointed." Avoid: "You are overreacting."

Statements that seem to pass judgment or that tell another person that he or she should see it your way will not usually elicit cooperation. Instead, focus statements on the person's feelings and viewpoints. Address the actual issue at hand; it will help move everyone toward a resolution. With practice, spinning your initial reaction into a form that is better received will come more naturally.

Common Anger Models

It is possible to generally categorize the ways in which people react to the emotion of anger. Sometimes responses can inadvertently re-enforce the angry behavior; try to avoid this through learning the best ways to react.

• Acted-out anger. This individual makes it very clear that he or she is upset. The person might throw down a paper in a meeting and storm out, raise his or her voice, rant and rave and outwardly vent anger about a problem. Many people will avoid him or her because they do not want to set off the person. Often, people will give in to this type of angry person because it seems easier than dealing with more anger. When confronted with a person who has an acted-out anger style, it may help for you to stay focused, remain calm and talk rationally. This unexpected response may encourage the angry person to act more reasonably when the typically intimidating tactics do not yield the results to which he or she is accustomed, which can come as a surprise.
• Unconnected anger. This person takes no responsibility for his or her actions, seeing no connection between what he or she does or does not do and the reactions of other people. This individual will get angry when people try to hold him or her accountable. Some people will decide to cover for the person or accept that person's blame because they do not want to deal with the situation or the inappropriate response. The best way to deal with this type of anger is to stop covering for the individual and let the consequences fall where they may. He or she will have to eventually own up to them.
• Self-centered anger. When inconvenienced, this person does not care if there are rules, regulations or protocol. He or she will act out of self-interest, without regard for how the actions will impact others. People tend to overlook this type of self-centered anger, feeling that the individual will never change. However, there are ways to change it: in the future, hold the person accountable for the inconsiderate behavior, and make him or her acknowledge and repair the damage.
• Undercover anger. This person feels that others look down on him or her; in return the person will commonly act in a discreet, undercover manner, undermining people to get back at them. Those who are aware of the individual's behavior typically talk about it with others but generally do not confront the person. Remedy this by bringing the behavior into the open with specific examples; it will hold the person accountable and make him or her face up to the actions.
• Rigid anger. A person displaying rigid anger likes to stay in control. The individual feels his or her choices are superior and thus should be the basis for making decisions. He or she will get angry when others try to voice an opinion that counters the person's ideas, often intimidating people to give in, which leads to resentment. To deal with this type of anger, establish a way of confronting issues that gives everyone equal opportunity to share ideas. Stick to the real issues, and do not automatically give in to the person.
• Escapist anger. This person wants to escape from taking responsibility for his or her actions, denying accusations and often creating elaborate lies and justifications for the behavior. This individual also may be dealing with an alcohol or drug-abuse problem. Stop believing his or her stories, and do not enable this type of behavior by covering up for the person. Let the reality of the situation stand on its own, forcing the person to make a choice about his or her lifestyle.

No one can completely predict how people will respond to situations that make them angry. However, by understanding the best ways to respond to the types of behavior, you have a better chance of remedying situations. Always remember to be aware of the impact of your words and choose them carefully; allow the angry person to vent; resolve the situation by getting to the real issues; be familiar with the different responses to anger; have a specific strategy to better achieve a constructive resolution; and practice new ways of interacting to avoid feeling intimidated and resentful.

Contributed by Anne Sullivan.

©2008 ComPsych ^® Corporation. All rights reserved. This information is for educational purposes only. It is always important to consult with the appropriate professional on financial, medical, legal, behavioral or other issues. As you read this information, it is your responsibility to make sure that the facts and ideas apply to your situation.